Something Blue

You're getting married tomorrow. And there are so many things I wish I could tell you.

So many things I want to share with you.
So many things I want for you.
Wish for you.
Pray for you.

Marriage is...
Fun.
Difficult.
A rollercoaster.
Hell.
Heaven.
It lasts, if you're lucky.
If you're not...

It will break you.

It will either be the best years of your life or it will be the daily torment you wish to get away from.

I pray its the first.

I pray you don't ever feel stuck.
Or trapped.
Or changed.
Or broken.
Or lost.

I hope you are happy.
Loved.
Cherished.
Praised.
Spoiled.
Appreciated.

But mostly... I wish I could be there.

To see your face as you watch your bride walk down the aisle.

To watch that gorgeous smile of yours spread until your entire face lights up and your eyes sparkle.

To watch your mother cry as you say I do.

I wish I could give you one last hug before you walk into that church.

I wish I could have one last happy moment with you, before you began this new chapter of your life.

But I wont be there.

And tomorrow, you start an entire new book. I will forever be left in an unfinished chapter, of a forgotten memoir you have placed in a box in the back of your closet.

I imagine the cover is faded and worn. Possible wine and whiskey stains throughout its pages. Pages that are dogearred at random times. Ink blotches where you spent more time pondering what to say next.

Our book will most likely never again see the light of day.

But she's new. And shiny. Like the pretty ring you will place on her finger tomorrow.

Flashback 8.25.16

  i stopped reading and started cutting.
                       gave up words for lines
                    traded paper for blood.
  turned away from the light
                gave into the demons.
                         crashed into reality
  fighting for the fantasy.
                           imagined the puzzle
   and lost all the pieces.

The Diaries of Grey: Grafitti

"Me saying what I wanted to, would be like me spraying black paint on that wall. Pointless. It wouldn't make a difference. I have to add a little color first, and then add the black in for details."

*He liked that. He seemed almost surprised, and happy about that. I think he knows the gist of what I wanted to say, but he wanted me to say it out loud. I refused.

Because I have to add in the color first. And with using a metaphor, which he is so fond of doing, I added my first mist of color. Barely noticeable, hardly anything worth mentioning, but something.

One day, that wall of his will be a masterpiece. The wall must come down eventually, but for now, I'll just grafitti it.*

~That's why I love you.